Quotes from my driving instructor, Vern

Quotes from my driving instructor, Vern, from three years ago:

Oh you’re offended? Be offended to your cold dark grave

Is that person making you pay your tax money? If not then you don’t need them

Dogs get mad, people get angry. You have two legs, act like it.

Yeah I’ve been in an car accident. Two people died. But it wasn’t me, so it’s okay. Just means that’s two less mouths to feed.

Ladies, get ready at home. Put on your warpaint at home. I’ll never understand why the manufacturers put a lighted mirror above the driver’s seat. “Lookit me, I’m here, I’m here!” Why😠? I have some wool blankets and beads if you want to trade.

When someone dies in a car crash, everybody loses besides... BESIDES the funeral homes. And the cemetery. And the florists.

Police officers are jerks. If being a jerk was an Olympic sport then they would win a gold medal

God gave me free will, so if I want I can tell Jehovah God to go to hell

It’s not your fault, but you haven’t been on planet earth long enough to know jack

Take a long walk off a short pier Ben, we’re not letting anything happen to your car. It’s worth 4x the amount it was 9 nine years ago, so you can jump off a mountain Ben, because your car is worth more than you are.

I never understood why people put their pets in the car. Are you really that lonely that you need to carry about a four legged dumb animal?

If you have that animal in your lap and you crash “oooooh what happens to poochie?” Well you’re gonna have one real hot dog, sucker

So by the age of 21, at least one of you is going to die in a car crash. It’s just statistics.

*Starts talking about Japanese planes for 45 minutes... in DRIVER’S ed class*

If you see a young kid in a nice car, what does that mean? ITS MEANS THEIR PARENTS HAVE MONEY. Yo daddy’s got money and yo mama’s good lookin’, so hussie baby don’t you cry.

Don’t bring God into this. SHE doesn’t drive. That’s right, the first monotheistic god was a female. OPEN A DAMN BOOK

It’s not the heat and the humidity. It’s the heat and the stupidity 

So... that’s Vern. Have a nice week y’all. 🙃