An Update Regarding The Soviet

Citizens:

Tis I, the noble Lord Stuart Elliot Peyton II. I come before you all today in order to provide unto you all the most recent information in the hunt for the blaspheming thought criminal known as “The Soviet”.

Many have been concerned that this plague upon our houses, presently referred to as COVID-19, would impede my investigation. This assumption has been proven false. As a matter of fact, if anything, it’s increased the speed at which I am able to investigate.

Ever since King Tanner tasked me with finding this vondruke a week ago, I have worked with great haste in assembling a list of individuals with the potential to be the Soviet. However, the list contained 8,734.5 people. Thus I have been steadily working on crossing names off as quickly as possible, and am now down to 10. Here are my top ten people who are most likely to be the Soviet:

10. Amelia Earhart: There must be a reason she hasn’t surfaced into the public eye, and that reason is because she is the soviet pulling the strings behind the scenes!

9. Tyler Li: There is a chance our former ally Tyler may be The Soviet, but considering he is a real one, this may be unlikely.

8. Fyodor Dostoevsky: Our good friend Fyodor seems to have a penchant for making our lives miserable, so it isn’t out of the question that he would be attempting this once again. He has been known to have socialist tendencies before. He was last seen with his two brothers. That’s right, he’s the youngest of three brothers. The birth order goes Alvin, Simon, and finally Fyodor.

7. “michelle scandurro”: If you look at the list of contributors on the right hand side of the screen when you first enter the blog, you will see a list of recognizable names, BUT THERE IS 1 NAME UNKNOWN TO ALL OF US: THE USER “michelle scandurro”. “michelle”, as you may recall as well, has never posted on the blog. She’s an enigma. An unknown entity. A ghost. The Soviet would probably have us believe she used to be the principal at Saint Martin’s and founded the blog and thus could not be removed, but I’m not having a word of it! If any of that were true, why doesn’t she just come forward and post something then? If she truly founded the blog, she could make a post and prove her innocence. 

6. “Mrs. Q”: Everything I said for “michelle” goes double for the mysterious “Mrs. Q”. At least “michelle” was polite (or stupid) enough to give us a real name, Mrs. Q has only given us an initial. What could the Q stand for? Quantum? Quadriplegia? Qaimaqam? 

5. Walt Disney’s Frozen Body: Unlikely he’s the soviet considering how anti-communist (and anti-Semitic) he was, but there’s always a chance. You can’t prove it or disprove it, can you?

4. Salah Brechtel: She just looks and smells suspect.

3. Chris Kattan: This SNL cast member from 1996-2003 could potentially be bitter that his career didn’t take off after leaving the show and is now seeking revenge by mounting a mass insurrection on the blog!

2. Jeff Bezos: The richest man on the planet could easily have the resources to led a coup.

And finally, my prime suspect.

1. Brandon Clementine Stokes: Unfortunately, the majority of the evidence points to community leader and folk hero Brandon Clementine Stokes being The Soviet. “Oh no,” you cry, “this can’t be true!”. Well, my dear fellow countrymen, before you call me crazy, ask yourself this: Have you ever seen Brandon and The Soviet in the same room? Furthermore, it seems as though Brandon is the only one not to interact with the Soviet’s blog posts. I don’t have enough information to make an arrest yet, but soon enough, I will.

To whomestever the soviet may be: Your time is up.

Signed,

Chief Royal Investigator For The Crown,

Lord Stuart Elliot Peyton II.