Hi, everyone!
Many of you know our red-headed, enegertic classmate Clara. She is very sweet and kind, except for the fact she physically absuses me. In a moment of procrastination, I asked Clara to kindly remind me to write my Why Tulane essay, which I still haven't done. I gave her permission to lightly tap me on the shoulder for one day if I didn't have it. However, she has taken this as cart blanche to slap me whenever she feels like it.
Granted, she slaps softly, but she hits the same spot on my arm every single time. Consequently, I have a minor bruise and am considering pressing charges through not only the Honor Council but also through a court of law. Fortunately, I have friends on the bench in the 24th JDC, and I am confident that a verdict will come in my favor.
My fellow classmates, if you have any suggestions as to how much I should sue for, please let me know. For legal reasons, everything in this post is humorous, except for the fact that she does in fact hit me daily. I am writing this blog in Computer Science, and I have been assaulted at least twelve times. Thank you for your concern in this matter.
Yours truly,
Hunter
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Hello, fellow classmates. I would like to provide a rebuttal for Hunter's accusations. He did indeed authorize me to slap him if he did not complete his "Why Tulane" Essay. Since the essay is due on November 15th, I have continued to ask him every single day whether or not he has started his essay, and the answer continues to be "no." He, no doubt, is considering pressing charges for assault; however, I would like to point out that he authorized me to slap him in the event that he did not complete his essay. Since this condition continues to be met, I am completely within my rights to slap him. Additionally, Hunter has grossly exaggerated the gravity of my offense, as there are witnesses in our Computer Science class who will testify that I assaulted him no more than 3 times (not, as he claims, 12). I would also like to add that I am doing Hunter a favor by curing him of his propensity for procrastination.
Yours truly,
Clara Conatser
Your Honor,
Let the record reflect the defendant has admitted to assaulting me. Despite her denial of the amount of times she has assaulted me, Clara Conatser, today's defendant, cannot deny she has committed a crime. Furthermore, the physical abuse is not the end of Conatser's assault, as she often ventures into verbal abuse, claiming "sucks to suck" at my misfortunes. Furthermore, she often quotes a one Ms. Lee Klebba, mockingly calling me a "poor baby." In the event of a legal indictment, I ask my attorney to include all of these documents in the evidence. Finally, the charges pressed will not be in response to a constitutional rights denial, but rather a personal assault. As I have written this response, she has called a "poor baby" twice and has hit me once. Your Honor, I rest my case.
Yours truly,
Hunter, or according to Conatser, a "poor baby"
I appreciate your sympathy in this matter.
Hunter,
I understand you. I also have not started my "Why Tulane" essay. It has been a struggle and with so much going on in the world right now, it is understandable. I do not agree with the abuse. This can be damaging to Hunter's mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing. We already know how Hunter is; we shouldn't push it. Clara, I do appreciate the effort though. As THE master procrastinator, I can tell you that Hunter will be writing this essay the night before or morning of the due date.
I think you should pull a Taylor swift, Hunter, and sue Clara for a single dollar. Be symbolic.
Yours Truly,
Rikki, the bystander
Your Honor,
I would like to provide a rebuttal to Mr. Richardson's second accusation. I plead the First Amendment, which is my constitutional right and ensures freedom of speech (as well as freedom of the press, freedom of religion, and freedom of assembly). Therefore, telling Mr. Richardson it "sucks to suck" is fully within my Constitutional rights, and I have a very good reason for doing so. I am trying to prepare him for the real world, in which people will seldom sympathize when life doesn't go his way. A similar argument applies for my use of Ms. Klebba's quote, "Poor baby." I also plead the Second Amendment, "right to bear arms". Since Mr. Richardson frequently wears shirts with sleeves, he has forfeited his right to bear arms, and I am perfectly within my rights to slap him. Your Honor, I rest my case.
Yours truly,
Clara Conatser
I appreciate your solidarity in this matter.
Post a Comment